Mothering Beyond My Fears

Aug 17, 2023

Mothering Beyond My Fears

I want to talk about fear and shame. Not as eloquently as others have before, but as I'm feeling and discovering them.

Michael was born a week ago at 37 weeks. His measurements were identical to Matthew's, his older brother, 3.2kg and 48cm. When Matt was born, at 39 weeks give or take, I was a first time mom, I could barely cope with the responsibility of having a little person depending of me so completely. I could barely cope with caring for myself.

Matthew lost weight as most newborns do and, without proper guidance and support, struggled to recover it as my milk supply was low and I didn't know that was the case, yet kept refusing formula until, at 6 weeks, he had lost 600grs and his (then new) paediatrician urged us to start supplementing with formula ASAP in order to help him recover and survive. And so we started a difficult recovery process, which took months to show us the improvements and, up until recently, kept us wondering if the malnourishment he went through had had any lasting significant effect on him.

This whole ordeal filled me with shame and fear ever since. This was my scarlet letter, my skeleton in the closet, my great failure. I have worked on my emotions and feelings in multiple ways since then to recover, as has my husband. We have both done all we could to heal on our own and together, but the scars are still there.

When I knew I was pregnant with Michael a great ray of light illuminated my life. It was the promise of a second chance, to relive early motherhood without the stress of a baby who cried for hours as he was constantly hungry, to enjoy the bonding without all the fog of shame and depression tainting it. But fear and shame are sneaky... They hide and appear, they can stay around forever if we don't deal with them.

And so when I started the labour process to deliver Michael, I kept myself in denial, I kept saying it was indigestion or Braxton Hicks, or anything, because I felt unprepared to have him yet, because having him so early meant he would be thin (as babies get chunkier as weeks pass by), because I was full of fear about my milk supply and my body's response this time.

But Michael was ready. Nonetheless what I felt or feared, he was ready and his will was to be born on December 19th at 4:15am, back to back, without a doula or the "proper" obstetrician, without his crib ready or his clothes washed, without his mom's ideas for what would be "best for him".

On our first night together, he kept crying and crying and crying, I knew he was hungry and I also knew my milk wasn't in yet. An amazing nurse came in, talked to me, brought formula and a syringe and told me to try, to continue breastfeeding but to offer some in between since he was hungry. I felt torn, but I did so because I wasn't letting him go hungry out of stubbornness or pride, specially having gone through it already.

He took it and then we both slept. Mind you, he only had 5ml, but that still felt like a lot to me, and I had to continually talk to myself about it, about this process we were living, about priorities and damage control. I still had to face shame and fear inside. Shame because again I wasn't succeeding at breastfeeding him and fear that I had to learn so much about how to care for him to avoid what we went through before. I felt as confused as I had the first time around.

Today Michael is 1 week old. I have been supplementing with formula 2 or 3 times per day since coming home, which is between 120 and 180 ml of formula each day. His jaundice started to clear, he passed all the meconium and he was settling amazing in this little every 3 hour routine.

Until yesterday when, gassy and constipated, he spent most of the day moving his legs, making upset noises and needing mommy the most. His last formula feeding was last night at 9pm, 170ml. He slept with us and nursed as much as I could push into him, and today he has only nursed. A part of me is freaking out of happiness because he hasn't demanded more at all. Another part is fearful... Is dreading what will happen tonight, what will happen if he continues this way and doesn't gain weight.

I can't remember how Matthew was, I can't remember a normal infancy process because we didn't have one, and I know if I ask people will say that constipation is normal, that he's ok. So I'm left wondering, dealing with all these emotions, not knowing well what to do... But hopeful of the fact that I'm producing milk, that he hasn't drop his weight, that perhaps there is hope for us.

I wrote this almost 2 months ago. I was equally excited and heartbroken. Since then, a lot has changed. Michael has kept gaining weight steadily. I have had amazing moms donate milk to help us supplement and we also found a formula that works for us. We still supplement 3 or 4 times per day, around 180-240ml in total. I'm still working through this situation, but I feel much more settled and happy for him and for me, for our whole family.

This road continues and so do the challenges... But it's ok, we're strong and ready for them.